My back has been killing me at work. I'm much better now that I'm home.
I had a conversation with one of the older men at work, Steve, about having to stand and bend over a table for 8 hours a day. It's bad enough my wrists and fingers usually hurt from computer use at home and at work, and I had a bum foot for a while after having to run around on a hard concrete for three days straight, but now my back is being affected as well. I was just fine for a while, but slowly all these things are taking it's toll on my body. I'm sure people in more strenuous work would call me a whiner, and even the GM of our building has told Steve that "Standing makes you more productive, if I give you chairs you wont do as much work". If you gave us chairs we wouldn't be straining your health insurance (not that I've used it yet).
Work aside, I'm worried about my school work. I feel like maybe I've let a few deadlines slip away (minor participation activities, nothing big like a test), and although I did the assignments it was too late. I may end up with a lower grade than I really want in one of the two classes I'm in this semester, and the only one of which actually counts towards my GPA. This is only my second semester in school, making for a total of five classes once spring term in done, and I'm already doubting my direction and dedication to my education. It's horrible. I have only myself to blame for not succeeding. My sister is taking nursing classes, some of the subject matter boggles my mind, and how she does that plus going to work full time, plus she's a mother of twin boys... yet I can't get through a measly five classes since Fall '11. What is wrong with me and is this really what I want? I'm acting like it's not. I need to man the fuck up if this is really what I want to do.
I just tried calling my family in Australia for the first time since I got the news of my dad's death on the 12th. I waited 11 days, and when I called I think they hung up on me. I had a sudden realization about the time difference as the phone was ringing, and once the person on the other end hung up on me I did a quick google search for "What time is it in Alice Springs?" It's barely 8am Saturday over there right now. Oops. I'll wait until later tonight and call with my apologies, if they haven't already blocked my number.
I've been hosting a somewhat of a sad little thing I call "Drawing night" on Thursdays. So far it's just 2 to 3 other people that come over and doodle to their hearts content the various things that pop in their head. It's not entirely the exciting art club I had hoped for but it's something, and it's allowing me to be social. The times I feel social are very few and far between, so having a couple people over and sharing some food and laughs and showing each other the crap we just drew is nice.
I'm no artist, I don't believe anyway. I'm a hobbyist, if anything. I've only sold 2 paintings in my entire life, no one's ever paid me for the photography I've done. I was paid once for a baby shower cake. That's a total of 3 whole things my whole life which I created that I was compensated for. I am no artist. I'm certainly no illustrator or cartoonist. I only wish I could be.
I read an interview from the incredible artist Phil Noto about going to art school.. He basically said that while it's not necessarily for everyone, it gave him the structure he needed to become an artist. That's been stuck in my brain. Do I want art school? How can I be this far into my life and STILL not know what the fuck I want to do with my remaining years, what little there may be?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Yet another change
I've decided once again to take up this thing called blogging. Mainly to use this as some sort of journal, whether it me daily or weekly, I'm not sure.
It will be one week today that my father has died. Thinking back, I realized that there were so many lessons to be learned from him during our infrequent visits, but for the most part I could not recall them. I remember the good times, and some of the bad. Luckily I was too young to remember the truly bad times he and my mother had before they split up, I was still just a baby when they did. My sister does, though. She has memories of him I will never have, good and bad. I miss him so much, and feel like I'll never get to have a million opportunities with him. We will not grow old together, but he will live on in my heart. Today is going to be hard, though admittedly less hard than the past week has been. I feel so badly for my step mother, but I don't have the heart to call and check up on her just yet. Each passing moment I don't feels like a thorn in my side. I'm a coward. I don't think she ever accepted me or my sister, but she's a grown woman obviously, and there is no black and white there. My step brothers should be with her by now, and just as it's been their whole relationship, my sister and I are not. I want her to reach out to us, just as much as I want to grow the courage to reach out to her. I just can't yet.
I've started this again to catalog my life, or attempt to.. because now with the passing of my father I'm afraid to lose even more lessons I could have learned. I'm afraid when time comes, and I lose others, I will not have the memories to reminisce on. I feel horribly guilty that my memory is terrible, and I wish I could remember more about the times with my dad. More stories and more lessons I could hold onto. Instead I turn to writing them down in hopes that one day I will look back and say "Ahhh, I do remember that!"
Here's to the memories!
On the topic of things that have happened today, I was able to get the novelty account on reddit called Shitty_Watercolour to paint a picture of my dad on his bike in Australia. It was fantastic.
I forgot to mention that my dad had hair, but it is amazing none the less. Thank you random novelty reddit account!
It will be one week today that my father has died. Thinking back, I realized that there were so many lessons to be learned from him during our infrequent visits, but for the most part I could not recall them. I remember the good times, and some of the bad. Luckily I was too young to remember the truly bad times he and my mother had before they split up, I was still just a baby when they did. My sister does, though. She has memories of him I will never have, good and bad. I miss him so much, and feel like I'll never get to have a million opportunities with him. We will not grow old together, but he will live on in my heart. Today is going to be hard, though admittedly less hard than the past week has been. I feel so badly for my step mother, but I don't have the heart to call and check up on her just yet. Each passing moment I don't feels like a thorn in my side. I'm a coward. I don't think she ever accepted me or my sister, but she's a grown woman obviously, and there is no black and white there. My step brothers should be with her by now, and just as it's been their whole relationship, my sister and I are not. I want her to reach out to us, just as much as I want to grow the courage to reach out to her. I just can't yet.
I've started this again to catalog my life, or attempt to.. because now with the passing of my father I'm afraid to lose even more lessons I could have learned. I'm afraid when time comes, and I lose others, I will not have the memories to reminisce on. I feel horribly guilty that my memory is terrible, and I wish I could remember more about the times with my dad. More stories and more lessons I could hold onto. Instead I turn to writing them down in hopes that one day I will look back and say "Ahhh, I do remember that!"
Here's to the memories!
On the topic of things that have happened today, I was able to get the novelty account on reddit called Shitty_Watercolour to paint a picture of my dad on his bike in Australia. It was fantastic.
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