It will be one week today that my father has died. Thinking back, I realized that there were so many lessons to be learned from him during our infrequent visits, but for the most part I could not recall them. I remember the good times, and some of the bad. Luckily I was too young to remember the truly bad times he and my mother had before they split up, I was still just a baby when they did. My sister does, though. She has memories of him I will never have, good and bad. I miss him so much, and feel like I'll never get to have a million opportunities with him. We will not grow old together, but he will live on in my heart. Today is going to be hard, though admittedly less hard than the past week has been. I feel so badly for my step mother, but I don't have the heart to call and check up on her just yet. Each passing moment I don't feels like a thorn in my side. I'm a coward. I don't think she ever accepted me or my sister, but she's a grown woman obviously, and there is no black and white there. My step brothers should be with her by now, and just as it's been their whole relationship, my sister and I are not. I want her to reach out to us, just as much as I want to grow the courage to reach out to her. I just can't yet.
I've started this again to catalog my life, or attempt to.. because now with the passing of my father I'm afraid to lose even more lessons I could have learned. I'm afraid when time comes, and I lose others, I will not have the memories to reminisce on. I feel horribly guilty that my memory is terrible, and I wish I could remember more about the times with my dad. More stories and more lessons I could hold onto. Instead I turn to writing them down in hopes that one day I will look back and say "Ahhh, I do remember that!"
Here's to the memories!
On the topic of things that have happened today, I was able to get the novelty account on reddit called Shitty_Watercolour to paint a picture of my dad on his bike in Australia. It was fantastic.
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